“You allow him to treat you this way.”
That’s what my ex-colleague said to me when I was venting about my former manager. He was insecure, micromanaged everything, and constantly changed direction. I found myself second-guessing, feeling stressed, and holding back — even though I knew I was capable.
At the time, I didn’t have the words for what I felt; I just knew something was off. I felt stuck. After all, he was my boss, and I needed the job. What was I supposed to do?
“My Boss Is the Problem” – A Common Career Dilemma
Years later, I hear similar complaints from coaching clients and friends over coffee chat: “My boss is the problem. What can I do? Do I need to resign?” It’s not just a complaint; it shows they feel trapped, believing they have no power. That’s often where things either stay stuck or start to shift.
The Scale of Cause vs. Effect
When we feel stuck, I find it helpful to visualize a scale — one side for Effect and the other for Cause.
On the Effect side, everything feels out of our control. We react, wait, and hope things change:
– “If only my boss were more supportive.”
– “If the company culture were better…”
– “If they just saw how hard I work…”
This is where resentment and frustration grow.
But here’s where the magic happens: when we shift our focus to Cause! We stop waiting for others to change and start asking ourselves:
– “What can I influence?”
– “How do I want to respond?”
– “What’s within my control?”
This mindset shift doesn’t make your boss a perfect leader or the situation easier, but it empowers you to take action.
What Kind of Boss Are You Dealing With?
Recognizing the type of leader you are dealing with helps you respond better. Here are a few common types:
I. The Micromanager: Oversees everything out of fear or insecurity.
II. The Ghost Boss: Lacks direction or feedback.
III. The Insecure Leader: Feels threatened by capable team members.
IV. The Chaos Creator: Full of ideas, but poor follow-through.
V. The Avoider: Wants to be liked and avoids conflict.
Each type presents different challenges, and we often react by avoiding or complaining, which perpetuates the pattern.
Three Questions to Shift from Reaction to Response
Instead of rushing to solutions, consider these three questions that can help shift your mindset:
1. How might your perspective change if you understood what drives your boss’s actions?
People lead from their fears, pressures, and goals. Understanding these can shift how you engage, from reactive to strategic.
2. What are you doing (or not doing) that reinforces this dynamic?
Not to blame yourself, but to recognize your role in the pattern. Are you holding back? Over-accommodating or avoiding feedback?
3. What’s one slight shift you can try this week?
Not a significant reinvention. Just a change in tone, structure, or approach. Perhaps, when you ask for clarity, a slight shift can open up space for a new response.
You May Not Choose Your Boss, But You Can Choose Your Response
Hearing “You allow him to treat you this way” was hard, but it reminded me that I had a choice. By recognizing my role in the dynamic, even in less-than-ideal situations, I started to see new possibilities.
You don’t have to wait for your boss to change or quit your job. You can choose how to respond and what you will no longer tolerate. This shift from waiting to action is often where real change starts.
